Doesn't make sense

I don't know where I am headed for. Can't say - "That makes sense",any more about anything. I imagined myself to be a ship without anchor. Lolling and moving with the waves, which carried me forward towherever it wanted me to be. There used to be a time when I loved this state of being/ fantasy.

I did not care about where life was carrying me to. I was comfortable in the cold certainty that one day I too will end up as dead. So much for the journey. To hell with life and living. There was a sense ofwell being. I turned a blind eye to many realities. I wonder what would have happened had I been more of a man of this world.

I don't belong anywhere. I have nothing. Yet, I live a comfortable life by my standards, which are probably lower than that of many others. I mean to say that my standards are lower. I have lived in conditions which would be deemed to be unfit by most.

I was the king of my castle. It had a moat around it. I had noalligators to guard me moat. The moat itself was a creation of nature.The road rose. The house sank. Rains fell. And bilge water flowed in.Armed with a bucket I bailed out water pail by pail. Looking back, I find it to be remotely valiant. The mighty clouds vs. little boy andbucket. Finally I convinced my mother to procure auxiliary defenses to aid me in the battle.

A 0.5 hp pump, brand name Usha came to my aid. With her I have spent whole nights, pumping, pumping, pumping. She needed breaks every fifteen minutes. That's why I needed to be with her. To flip her power switch, when she started overheating. To cajole her into motion when her motor refused to start up thanks to the long hair of my dog. All this effort, just to keep the moat from invading the sinking castle.Six years of this, made me change my point of view. Thank you.

Mental stress had become the norm those days. Every time a cloud marred the sky face, the back roads of my mind were full of racing thoughts. I used to tell myself that I had emerged a stronger man from this period of my life.

Alas, I couldn't foresee the future. There were worse things in store.My mindset was archaic and I wasn't good enough to handle certain subtle life changing events that were to take place. I crashed. I burned. Got scalded rather. Like Rocky Balboa, I rose up from that shit as well. I left that castle behind, and am now in self imposed exodus.

I left one city. I had to leave one. I choose to take breaks from the city of my present abode. Now, from this 6th floor apartment, when I look down on Ghodbundher road and see the reliable, and seemingly endless flow of vehicles, I have nothing in my mind, but agony…triple distilled agony, whose reasons I know not of.

I deceive myself.